Betrayal happens. That’s a tragic reality. It occurs in marriages, families, churches, and in the workplace. I’m a Christ-follower, so I believe forgiveness is non-negotiable. The Bible makes that abundantly clear. “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:12-13, ESV).
Most of us understand this; we simply struggle with the application, myself included. If I’ve forgiven the person in question, does this mean I have to trust them now? The short answer is no, but we all know it isn’t that simple.
Forgiveness is often misunderstood and wrongly applied in the church. Does the woman whose husband has cheated on her need to forgive him? Yes, as much for her sake as his; but that doesn’t require that she remain with him. Does the individual whose boss has repeatedly taken credit for his or her work need to forgive the offender? Yes, but they don’t need to keep working for that person.
Betrayals may occur in a moment, but restoring trust will require a process.
I spent hours on the phone with a man who’d felt betrayed by the leaders and the organization to which he has given years of his life. In essence, he said, “This feels gross.” He knew he needed to forgive, but like most of us, he was struggling to do so. However, the bigger question was “Is this going to continue to happen?” Sadly, the realistic assumption was yes. If you, like me, are a Christ-follower, this feels complicated and, as my friend put it, “gross.”
We perhaps see this best illustrated in the story of Joseph reuniting with his brothers. He didn’t entrust himself to them immediately; first, he determined whether their lives had changed, if they were trustworthy. Although the Bible doesn’t spell it out, I feel confident that Joseph had forgiven his brothers. His response would’ve been very different if he hadn’t.
Forgiveness isn’t an option for us. God has forgiven those who come humbly to him seeking a new life in Christ; however, forgiveness and trust don’t necessarily go hand-in-hand. Navigating this is never easy, so if you’re struggling with this, pray for wisdom and seek godly counsel from those you can trust.
Mark Renfroe and his wife, Amy, have been involved in field missions work for 30 years. Mark served as the area director for Assemblies of God World Missions and currently serves as the chief missions officer for World Challenge.