“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17, ESV).  

Many people have honest questions about how to even start this process. As a pastor, you’ve almost certainly had these conversations, and the situations people are dealing with are almost always far more serious than “He laughed at me and hurt my feelings.”

In connection to these verses, I’ve been asked things as painful as “How do I forgive the father who sexually abused me? How do I forgive the mother who abandoned me? How do I forgive the person who broke into my car and stole a bunch of my stuff when I was barely getting by?” If we’re not very careful as leaders, we will advocate for someone to re-enter an abusive or dangerous situation in the spirit of forgiveness.

I always hold tight to the knowledge that this passage is about repentance, not apologies. When I say “repent” here, I don’t mean just saying, “I’m sorry.” I mean an active change toward restoring and healing the relationship.

That means this set of verses give us an automatic “either/or” situation. Maybe you don’t gain your brother, spouse, father, mother, friend back. Maybe they refuse to repent for or even acknowledge what they have done. Maybe even when they’re confronted by several people who understand the situation, they still won’t repent for the evil done. In that case, they should be escorted out.

There are times when forgiveness requires wisdom and discernment to see when actual repentance is happening. This passage isn’t telling people, “Go back to the family member who is abusing you. Return to the husband who keeps beating you. Just forgive the wife who keeps cheating on you. Put blinders on, and just take it.”

Instead, Jesus’s commands bring both redemption and safeguards. When I consider that, it makes me so grateful for God’s gracious wisdom.

Gary Wilkerson is an author, public speaker, and the president of World Challenge, Inc.