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A person’s life experiences can have a profound effect on the way they interact with others. In part three of the “Renovating the Heart of Kingdom Leaders” series, trauma therapist Adam Young explains the impact of trauma, attunement, and attachment on our relationships.

DISCLAIMER: The advice discussed in this podcast episode is not a replacement for professional counseling.

Key Points from the Podcast

• Trauma often carries on beyond the initial experience and affects us profoundly—relationally, emotionally, bodily, etc.

• Developmental trauma experienced as a child often sets you up for future single incident traumas in adulthood.

• Attunement describes how reactive a person is to another's emotional needs and moods. A person who is well attuned will respond with appropriate language and behaviors based on another person's emotional state.

• Attachment refers to the way in which you connect to and relate with other people in your world.

• A securely attached person will have an embodied sense of hope when there is relational rupture.

• Ambivalent attachment develops when you have an inconsistent and at times intrusive primary caregiver.

• Avoidance attachment develops when your primary caregiver is dismissive and/or rejecting. A person with avoidance attachment will feel alone in the world and like they can’t really trust anyone to be there for them.

• Disorganized attachment develops when the person who is supposed to offer you security and comfort is also a source of terror.

• People typically go to counseling because of the symptoms they are experiencing when they should be looking at the underlying issues that are causing the symptoms. Those root issues are tied to your story.

• A great way to start engaging your story is to think of three adjectives that describe your childhood relationship with your mom, and then think of a story that helps demonstrate each adjective.

• The call of God is to honor our father and mother, and honor requires honesty. You don’t want to blame your parents for your current issues as an adult, but you do need to name what was true in your childhood relationship with them.

Resources Mentioned in the Podcast

• The Place We Find Ourselves – Adam Young’s Podcast

• The Allender Center

• To Be Told by Dan Allender

• Wounded Heart by Dan Allender

• Attachment: What It Is and Why It Matters So Much

• How Your Attachment Style Affects the Way You Relate to Other People

• Why Engaging Your Story Is the Best Thing You Can Do for Your Brain

• Why Your Family of Origin Impacts Your Life More Than Anything Else

Episodes in this podcast series:

About Adam Young

I met my wife at the College of William and Mary. We have been married for 24 years and have two children, a son (age 10) and a daughter (age 13).

I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) with master’s degrees in social work (Virginia Commonwealth University) and Divinity (Emory University). I currently serve as a Fellow with The Allender Center, and I am the host of The Place We Find Ourselves podcast.  

My approach to therapy has been shaped primarily by Dan Allender, Daniel Siegel, Allan Schore, Pat Ogden, and Bessel van der Kolk. You can find their works on the Books page.

Activities I enjoy include mountain biking, skiing, soccer, and painting (canvas, not houses).

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